Yesterday was a devastating day for me. I was laid off from a job I love and from a project that I have been part of from the ground up.
I was told this was not due to my performance, but rather due to a reorganization. Let’s summarize it this way: there is a political game very much at play in the university, and I was a pawn that was played in someone’s game. Two others of my team met the same fate yesterday.
We were asked to pack up and leave quickly so as not to make things awkward for the big head honcho who was coming to let others know about our departure. We have until Oct. 12 to finish our work at home. We were removed from mailing lists, locked out of files (which, oddly, we still need to access to finalize tasks), and cutoff from people we have spent 8+ hours a day with for the last couple of years. No chance to say goodbye, except for the few people who happened by my desk as I was packing up.
Devastated. Shamed. Lonely. Lost. Cutoff. Scared. Shocked. Angry.
The list of descriptors are those that I have felt in the last 36 hours. Plainly, this sucks. This was not supposed to happen. No one likes to be thrust out of a workplace, especially when one’s performance is above par (as, ironically, was pointed out to me with the raise I got today — informed about via email — which will cover my last couple pay periods at the university).
And yet, here I am balancing this cruelty with another side of life — my faith. Strangely, my meditations this week have been focused on trust in God, his love for us, his care and protection of us. The fact that those who are his will have no shame. I feel outcast, yet HE loves me. I feel heartbroken, yet HE will bring healing. I am really freaked out about putting a roof over my children’s heads and providing for them, yet HE tells me that if he cares about and provides birds and flowers, surely he will care about and provide for me. I wonder what I’m going to do now, yet HE tells me that he has a plan for me.
I walked out of my room this morning and saw this sign in my living room window that says:
Isn’t that truth? I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. None of us do. We may lose life or limb. We may be cut off from all we know. But my hope is secure in Jesus Christ as my Lord, and I know I’m going to be okay. My job is to trust and know that he will bring me through this. Thanks be to God!